The Door Slam

If you are an INFJ, you most likely already know what the INFJ Door Slam is. Other types may not be as familiar with this concept, so here is a brief overview:

The INFJ Door Slam is a process occurs when an INFJ decides to cut someone out of their life entirely. It occurs when someone has caused too much emotional pain to the INFJ, time and time again, without ever attempting to improve matters. Quite often this person is someone the INFJ cares deeply about and has a long past with. The process is done quietly and often without warning. The INFJ simply cuts off emotional ties with the person in question, and most likely will cease communication. Many have described it as the INFJ now regarding the person as being dead to them. It is not a matter that is decided lightly since our type cares deeply about others and wants to forgive and to see the good in them.

I don’t think  I have ever completely door slammed anyone, at least as far as I can remember. I can only recall two instances in my life that resemble more like a gentle door closing.

The first case is a friend who I went to school with. Our friendship was a strange one and it’s kind of hard to describe. She wasn’t an easy person to get along with and most of our classmates disliked and avoided her. Me being the caring person that I am gave her the benefit of the doubt and befriended her. Although she gave the appearance of being a confident and bossy know-it-all, I could see right through her. I saw the vulnerability and pain in her eyes. I knew she was deeply emotionally wounded and I could just not dismiss her like everyone else did.

I heard her put down others, belittle them, and talk about them behind her back. I tried to forgive her because I knew she had emotional problems. I just tried to be a supportive friend. Over the years I knew her she treated me well relatively speaking. She was always nicer to me than our classmates, probably because I was one of the few who was nice to her and talked to her. However there were instances where she tried to say I was wrong and she was right, when in fact I knew it was the other way around. She also told a few straight out lies to my face and about me to our other friend. I forgave all of this because that’s just who I am. I care.

We remained “friends” until we parted ways when our program ended. She has barely tried to stay in contact with me, and the same goes for me. She was more toxic than anything, and I decided not to wear myself out keeping in contact with such a negative person. I know she has deep rooted issues that I cannot fix, and I only wish her the best and that she may heal one day.

The second instance is happening right now. This one is trickier because the person in question is a relative. I would not say she is “dead to me,” but I am quite fed up with how she has been treating me over the last few years, and more so in recent months. I have reached out to her countless times over the past year to try to connect and stay in contact. She has ignored probably 90% of my communications and reaches out to me only if she needs something. At first I was ready to forgive her, thinking she was probably just too busy with life. But the more times I was ignored, the more hurt I became. I personally would never ignore someone I care about when they try to reach out to me. However she has done it time and time again. I can’t help but think she doesn’t care about me that much, or I am not as important to her life as other people are. So be it. I have decided to stop trying to reach out to her. I will cordially talk to her when we meet at family functions, but I will not go out of my way to try to meet up with her. She can lead her life and I will lead mine. I was thinking recently that if we were not related and were simply friends, I would have dropped that friendship in a heartbeat. It’s not so easy to do when you’re family.

It’s never an easy decision to cut someone out of your life. However, unfortunately it’s necessary for us INFJs to protect ourselves from the deep pain others cause us. Sometimes it’s easier to forget about someone entirely than to remember the pain they caused us. I prefer to focus on the light and the positive. I’m only going to give my time and energy to people who care about me back and treat me right. That’s what we all deserve.