The Door Slam

If you are an INFJ, you most likely already know what the INFJ Door Slam is. Other types may not be as familiar with this concept, so here is a brief overview:

The INFJ Door Slam is a process occurs when an INFJ decides to cut someone out of their life entirely. It occurs when someone has caused too much emotional pain to the INFJ, time and time again, without ever attempting to improve matters. Quite often this person is someone the INFJ cares deeply about and has a long past with. The process is done quietly and often without warning. The INFJ simply cuts off emotional ties with the person in question, and most likely will cease communication. Many have described it as the INFJ now regarding the person as being dead to them. It is not a matter that is decided lightly since our type cares deeply about others and wants to forgive and to see the good in them.

I don’t think  I have ever completely door slammed anyone, at least as far as I can remember. I can only recall two instances in my life that resemble more like a gentle door closing.

The first case is a friend who I went to school with. Our friendship was a strange one and it’s kind of hard to describe. She wasn’t an easy person to get along with and most of our classmates disliked and avoided her. Me being the caring person that I am gave her the benefit of the doubt and befriended her. Although she gave the appearance of being a confident and bossy know-it-all, I could see right through her. I saw the vulnerability and pain in her eyes. I knew she was deeply emotionally wounded and I could just not dismiss her like everyone else did.

I heard her put down others, belittle them, and talk about them behind her back. I tried to forgive her because I knew she had emotional problems. I just tried to be a supportive friend. Over the years I knew her she treated me well relatively speaking. She was always nicer to me than our classmates, probably because I was one of the few who was nice to her and talked to her. However there were instances where she tried to say I was wrong and she was right, when in fact I knew it was the other way around. She also told a few straight out lies to my face and about me to our other friend. I forgave all of this because that’s just who I am. I care.

We remained “friends” until we parted ways when our program ended. She has barely tried to stay in contact with me, and the same goes for me. She was more toxic than anything, and I decided not to wear myself out keeping in contact with such a negative person. I know she has deep rooted issues that I cannot fix, and I only wish her the best and that she may heal one day.

The second instance is happening right now. This one is trickier because the person in question is a relative. I would not say she is “dead to me,” but I am quite fed up with how she has been treating me over the last few years, and more so in recent months. I have reached out to her countless times over the past year to try to connect and stay in contact. She has ignored probably 90% of my communications and reaches out to me only if she needs something. At first I was ready to forgive her, thinking she was probably just too busy with life. But the more times I was ignored, the more hurt I became. I personally would never ignore someone I care about when they try to reach out to me. However she has done it time and time again. I can’t help but think she doesn’t care about me that much, or I am not as important to her life as other people are. So be it. I have decided to stop trying to reach out to her. I will cordially talk to her when we meet at family functions, but I will not go out of my way to try to meet up with her. She can lead her life and I will lead mine. I was thinking recently that if we were not related and were simply friends, I would have dropped that friendship in a heartbeat. It’s not so easy to do when you’re family.

It’s never an easy decision to cut someone out of your life. However, unfortunately it’s necessary for us INFJs to protect ourselves from the deep pain others cause us. Sometimes it’s easier to forget about someone entirely than to remember the pain they caused us. I prefer to focus on the light and the positive. I’m only going to give my time and energy to people who care about me back and treat me right. That’s what we all deserve.

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I can’t get no satisfaction.

All my life, I have always been wanting for more. More independence, more money, more success, more confidence, more happiness…you name it. It’s like I can never achieve this hypothetical level of satisfaction.

I’ve been feeling this way lately in regards to my living situation. I’m currently living in my hometown where I’ve lived most of my life except for 3 1/2 years abroad and a few miscellaneous years before I was 5. I live in a small-to-midsize city that, while pretty and pleasant, is truthfully boring to me most of the time. Since I grew up here, I am familiar with the region and there is nothing new and exciting for me to discover.

At times I just want to pack up and move to a larger city with more opportunities and new places to explore. I can’t seem to bring myself to do it quite yet though. I am constantly torn between moving and staying. I’ve composed 2 lists: why I want to leave, and why I want to stay.

Anyone else feel similarly about their living situation?

Why I Want To Move:

  1. I have a desire for new experiences: meeting new interesting people, visiting new places, learning new things. I like to explore.
  2. There are more career opportunities in larger cities.
  3. I can be more independent from my family.
  4. There are more diversions to occupy my free time. I love concerts, museums, and restaurants. I’ve pretty much exhausted the options where I currently live.
  5. Most of my closest friends have dispersed and live all over the US and abroad. I feel lonely without them and wouldn’t feel too sad leaving since they all have already!

Why I Want To Stay:

  1. Although I want independence from my family, we are still close and the thought of not being able to see them regularly would be kind of depressing.
  2. My doggy. She is extremely bonded to my mother and if I moved away, she would stay with my mom. I would miss her so much.
  3. Familiarity. I confuse myself: although I crave new experiences and adventures, the familiar feeling of my hometown is comforting.
  4. We have nice weather here, and most places have more extreme temperatures. I am highly sensitive to temperatures and don’t fare well in hot or cold. I need moderate weather to be fully functional which is what I’ve got now!
  5. Although at times I find my current city boring, it is nice in that it is not overly crowded. A bigger city would mean more crowds, more traffic, more noise, and more pollution. I am highly sensitive to my surroundings and I can see myself becoming a constantly frazzled person if my senses are constantly assaulted and I can’t get much peace.

For now I’ll stick with my current living situation. I won’t force a move just to get out if it doesn’t feel right. If ever a new and better career opportunity arises elsewhere, I’d highly consider a move if the location was nice. I guess I’ll just keep at it and see where life takes me. In the meantime, I’ll try to keep myself entertained with reading, writing, films and travel. Sometimes I forget how refreshing and revitalizing to life travel can be. Now on to plan my next trip…

Update on the job situation

In previous posts, I explained about my educational and career path thus far in my life.

Now, I’d like to give an update on what I’ve been doing these past few months. I spent weeks looking for jobs at the beginning of the year, while trying to figure out what kind of work I would be happy doing. As an extremely introverted and highly sensitive individual, I have a lot of factors to take in to consideration when considering potential jobs. For the longest time the only listings I could find were for retail and office admin jobs, both of which I had zero interest in.

I spent a lot of time thinking about what kind of job I would like. I knew I wanted to do something that involved helping people and that was not profit-driven. Since I had worked with animals in the past, I applied to work at a dog day-care facility. The interview was a breeze since I had so much animal experience, and they called me back the next day to offer me part-time work. Right after the interview I thought about if I would like working there. As much as I love dogs, I knew it wasn’t the right fit for me for 2 reasons: (1) it seemed pretty boring/no intellectual stimulation–I would basically be monitoring dogs all day to make sure they were behaving and not fighting; and (2) the constant barking and jumping would just rattle my nerves too much. So, I declined the offer even though I didn’t have anything else lined up.

Luckily, a few days later I saw a couple of job postings for two different non-profits that assist adults with disabilities. I had never worked with people with disabilities before, but it sounded like a very rewarding field. So I applied to both. I got a call back from one of them the next week, and the other one emailed me back. One was more on-top of communicating with me so I followed through with that non-profit. The interview process was very lengthy–understandably since they want to make sure they have responsible and honest people working with disabled people. Luckily I must have made a good impression, because I got the job!

I have been working there for about 3 months now. My title is job coach and I am in charge of supervising crews who work in the local community. I have to drive them to the job site, give them instructions and feedback on their work, and do regular progress reports. The job can be tough at times, but it is very rewarding and I am so glad I did not get stuck in some awful retail job. I really enjoy helping others and making a positive difference in people’s lives. It means the world to me when my crew members tell me they like me as their job coach and that they are happy to work with me.

For at least the next year I’ll be happy in this position. I would like to go back to school for a Master’s degree in a year. Right now I am thinking career or college counseling. After lots of research and thinking, I believe this would be a great fit for me. I would be able to help people while being in an educational setting (which I love). I have always loved helping people figure out what they want to do with their lives. So if all goes as planned, I’ll be back in school learning how to be a career/college counselor in a year’s time! In the meantime, I’ll continue to enjoy helping the awesome people I supervise.

You Want Me To Buy Something? Then Leave Me Alone.

Yesterday I was browsing shops at the mall and as I was walking along the pathway, I was pestered by a handful of store employees standing in store doorways trying to entice potential customers. I hated this. As an introvert, I really don’t like talking to people I don’t know. I especially don’t like being confronted in such an aggressive manner when I am trying to have a peaceful, solitary shopping experience.

As I ambled along the walkway, a sales associate at a cosmetics store shouted at me to try to catch my attention. When I ignored him after the first attempt, he tried again, louder. I continued to pretend I didn’t hear or see him, and went on my way. Can you talk about annoying? I really wanted to go up to him and say “if you want me to buy something, then leave me alone.” I am non-confrontational so I did no such thing, but boy did I want to! Maybe I will next time if I feel aggravated enough.

In fact, I am much more likely to make a purchase if I am not approached by sales associates. I am always keenly aware of their intentions: to make as many sales as possible. I know they are trained to pitch products as amazing and will turn on the charm to persuade people to buy stuff they don’t really need. As a very intuitive person, I can see straight through this and it doesn’t work on me. I can’t say I’ve ever been persuaded by any sales person to buy something. I prefer to quietly study products on my own to figure out what is best for me. If I have a question then I will ask for help, but other than that I prefer to be left alone in shops.

Usually when I go in to a store, I have an agenda of what I am going to get and I don’t stray from it. I rarely go in to stores where I don’t need to buy anything, and if I do, I just look around first. I prefer to be an informed shopper and I don’t make any purchases before reading multiple reviews online.

This level of preparedness reflects how I tackle most situations in life. Any other INFJs/introverts out there act the same way regarding shopping? Do you let sales people sway you or do you see right through them as well?

Breaking free

If you read my previous posts about my educational/career path, you’ll know that I had been unhappy in my pursuit of veterinary medicine. Today as I was driving, a mental metaphor popped in to my mind of what my life had been like. It was as if I had been stuck inside a glass cube for years. The cube represented the veterinary career I had forced myself to pursue. I could see outside of it, and I wished I could escape to the outside world which was more desirable than being stuck inside. I would stare outside of it for years and years, but too afraid to try escaping. However over time I started having my doubts about this career, and so I would slowly chip away at the glass. It finally got to the point where I couldn’t bear being stuck inside any longer, so I mustered up all my courage and punched right through the glass, finally breaking free and being able to breath easy again. Even though it was painful breaking out, it was the best thing for me to do, for time will heal the wounds and now there are new possibilities open to me.

I can’t help but stare.

I have always been a starer.

I don’t mean to stare, it just happens. I am a very deep thinker, and quite often my mind is racing with various thoughts that come in an endless stream. I’ll be lost in thought for long intervals before I come back to the present, and then I realize I had been staring at someone.

I usually never know if the person was aware of my staring. If I happen to meet their gaze, then I become acutely aware of what I had been doing. I will proceed to awkwardly smile, inwardly reprimand myself, and declare to never stare again. If they do not appear to see me, then I wonder to myself if they had seen me staring, then looked away because I was making them uncomfortable. Or, had they never noticed my gaze in the first place?

I torment myself with all these what ifs, and I stress over what other people think of me. Do they think I’m a weirdo for staring? Or maybe luckily, no one ever notices me staring.

Does anyone else ever have a problem with staring? Any tips on how to combat it?

I love self-checkout lanes.

I’m not a fan of small talk. I can fake it if necessary, but I really have to force myself to appear interested and friendly. It’s not that I don’t care about people, it’s just that if I’m going to say something, I want it to be meaningful and important. I just don’t see the point in exchanging general pleasantries like “how are you?” or “how’s your day going?” with random strangers. I’m sure they don’t really care how my day is going, yet society dictates that we make this small talk.

That being said, I sure love self-checkout lanes at grocery stores! If they are an option at a store I am shopping at, I will use these lanes 100% of the time. It saves me having to talk to a random person whom I would otherwise forget moments after leaving the store. For me, the less human interaction while shopping, the better. I prefer to do my own thing in the store, leisurely peruse the aisles, and check out by myself.

It’s too bad that Trader Joe’s, one of my favorite grocery stores, does not have self check-out yet. Granted, their employees are always super friendly and pleasant to be around. However, sometimes I simply do not feel like uttering a single word, and it would be nice to be able to check myself out there without having to seem rude by not engaging in conversation.